F A N F I C T I O N > M I S C . F A N D O M S
While You Wait by Amberina
Lilah's so beautiful when she's writhing under your touch.
Who would have thought those words would ever make their way into your psyche? A year and a half ago you would have laughed, called whoever mentioned it a psycho freak, and move on - because it was obviously the most absurd statement you had ever heard. Right?
Yeah well things change in a year and a half. You remember every bit of it. You're not supposed to, of course. You're really not supposed to be alive either, but hey. You're a survivor, like Destiny's Child but you doubt you'll be crawling around on the beach with your ass stuck in the air anytime soon. Although with Lilah, anything's possible. Even without her, anything's possible.
If you've learned anything in the last year and a half, it's that anything can happen. And that life is truly fucked up. Among other things - like, for instance, that no matter how nice the shiny demon is or how much he seems to make sense, becoming a half-demon can only be bad. Stupid Powers That Be - you worked for them for three years only to get completely fooled and fucked over in ways you never even dreamed possible.
But whatever. It doesn't matter now. Not as long as you're tongue is on Lilah's clit, and yeah this is wrong in so many ways, but who the fuck expects you to care anymore? She's not anyone's son, so that's definitely good.
Sure, technically, you killed her. You know you did. You remember the terror - Lilah terrified had been a sight to behold, too. Lilah knows you did. She'll never let you live it down. But strangely, it's in a joking way and it's okay. A lot better than the constant glaring you get from Angel and the complete cluelessness Gunn and Fred offer. People don't even want to get you started on Wesley and his quest to find the truth. So yeah, Lilah's more fun to be around.
Not that much of anything is fun anymore. Fun kind of goes away when you've been trapped inside yourself and forced to fuck your potential love interest's son - and the Beast, which you try not to think about. Then there was the murder. Among other things. It makes you sick. It made you sick. It was just all-around bad.
But you're dealing. Really. A semi-dead lawyer with nice legs and firm breasts is the least of the evil things you could be doing. You tell yourself that. At least you're not on crack or something. Which you could very well be. You think you deserve a little credit. You wonder if Angel will see it that way.
You doubt it.
It doesn't matter (doesn't matter, doesn't matter, repeat it with me now) now, really. Because there's Lilah and the beach, and you're away from everything, and you can almost forget. You like when you forget. It's nice.
When you forget - those small, fast-passing moments - when it all goes away, everything's okay. You're just Cordelia Chase, and you're working on your tan and you're just a little bit gay, but who isn't? And it's good.
Which stands in stark contrast to how bad everything actually is. Whatever, though.
Lilah's so pretty when she's writhing under your touch, and your tongue strokes her clit and she kind of reminds you of a cat - the way she purrs and mews and it's really kind of funny. Or it would be if everything wasn't so fucked up and Lilah wasn't just so goddamn sexy.
You're not sure when you realized Lilah was human, and not some cartoon villain. It could have been when you saw how was with Wes last summer. But looking back on it, at that point you still thought she was the evil bitch lawyer of death. It was most likely right before you killed her. Yeah, that's when you realized she was an actual human being. Right before her natural life was snuffed out. It's weird, you feel sorry for Lilah. You never, ever thought that could be possible before.
You feel sorry for yourself too. You feel sorry for pretty much everyone, actually. Because everything has sucked for everyone, it really has. Gunn and Fred are so lucky, to be so blissfully clueless about everything that happened. They don't even wonder, they have no idea. Wesley - God, Wesley's going insane. Because his life had been the one most affected by Connor. He had been the one that got his throat slit, shunned by his friends and makeshift family, and left to wallow in his own darkness until Lilah came along to sex him up and make him have the big destined love.
You realize that they were, and still are destined. They remind you of Buffy and Angel in a sad way, but more twisted and a bit more tolerable. But just like Buffy and Angel, you don't mind coming between it. What about your destiny? Do you have one? Or was your destiny to be used to Jasmine and some fucked PTB? Was *that* your destiny? If it was, then fuck destiny.
You're convinced you have something you're supposed to do. Something you're supposed to become. Still, even after everything, that you have a purpose for living. You have no idea what it is, but you wait. And while you wait, you have Lilah and the beach and it's all good, as long as you're not thinking too much.