It's Nothing, Really by Liz Harris
Dawn stared out the window of the bus as it bumped along the highway. She watched as the lights flashed by at 55 miles per hour, making everything a blur of black and orange-yellow. An elderly woman in the row next to her glanced over occasionally, probably wondering what such a young girl was doing on a bus to LA at 10 at night.
Dawn fought back the urge to look at her, fix her with the most deadly glare and ask her just what she thought she was staring at. But she coudn't. She didn't dare. Mostly because she was afraid of what the answer would be.
Dawn brought her knees up to her chest and rested her head against her backpack against the window, trying very hard to stay angry so that she wouldn't cry.
Angel would know what to do, she told herself. He helped the helpless. He helped things that most people didn't know existed.
Angel would help her.
"Gunn, dammit, for the hundredth time, my eyeliner is *not* a crayon. You can't keep using it to draw maps of vamp hideouts."
"Sorry," said Gunn still polishing his axe, not sounding sorry at all.
Cordelia let out an exasperated sigh as she put the lid on her now-in-serious-need-of-sharpening black eyeliner. "We have got to get a bigger office. If there was ever a time for a vision about rich people in trouble, this would be it." She looked upward expectantly and even Gunn and Wesley had to stop and wonder who was mightier- the Powers that controlled fate, destiny and other workings of the universe or Cordelia Chase.
They were both silently betting on the latter.
"Guess not." she said after a pause. "Oh well, it was worth a-" she grabbed her head in her hands. "Arggh. I wasn't serious!" she yelled to the ceiling as she fell to her knees.
Gunn and Wesley were over in a flash. "What is it? What do you see?"
"Ungh. A girl- maybe 14?- and a guy," Cordelia looked up, face white. "Oh my god. It's Angel. He's going to bite her."
The streets of LA were dark and eerily empty, making the few people there were seem that much more menacing. Old bums and tall, dirty teenagers with thick white make-up stared at her as she made her way to the Hyperion Hotel.
She stopped occasionally in a few all night restaurants and tattoo shops to make sure she was headed in the right direction but other than that she kept her head down and walked quickly, trying not to make eye contact with any one.
Coming to a dark(er) part of the street she wrapped her arms around her waist and tried to stay as invisiible as possible. However because of her quickened pace and lowered head she almost ran into the two men blocking her path.
"Oh!" she looked up, startled. "Sorry, I wasn't watching." She made a move to go around them but they blocked her path again.
"Hey there little red riding hood. Where you off to?"
"The Hyperion." She mumbled and tried to walk past them.
They stepped in her way again. "The Hyperion? Baby, that's the wrong hotel. They ain't even got a pool." He slid next to her and put and arm around her shoulder, drawing her close. "Now why don't you come stay over at my place? We could just chill, you and me."
"Thanks," she said removing his arm. "But sitting poolside with you isn't really my idea of fun."
The other man doubled over with laughter two shades too strong for the mild insult. "Aww, Derek. You got told. You got told by a little bitch."
Derek shoved at his friend. "Shut up Trey. This stupid ho ain't nothing. She ain't even worth the fuck." He looked over at Dawn and grabbed her by arm. "And since you won't play nice I won't either." With his free hand he pulled out a knife and flicked it open. "OK, little rich girl, why don't you hand over Daddy's money?"
Eyes wide she tried to pull away and call for help when their struggle was interrupted by a voice behind her.
"Hey, Derek. You giving little white girls a hard time again?"
Derek looked up behind Dawn and grinned. "Hey there Shorty."
While he was distracted, Dawn tried to break loose again but Derek's grip held fast. "Stay still," he growled at her.
Shorty didn't bother to look at Dawn. "Hey man, let her go. Quit picking on brats and go fuck with something that stands a chance."
Derek made a face. "Why you noble all of a sudden? Besides, I'm just lightening her load, teaching her a lesson. Rich little girls like this should know better."
"I agree, man. There's just one thing." Shorty's face morphed into vampire form and he grabbed Derek by the throat. "I'm hungry for something a little... thicker."
Derek let go of Dawn and, released at last, she fell backwards onto the ground. Gathering all her strength she jumped to her feet and ran as fast as she could through puddles of liquid that wasn't water and through streets and alleys that should have been hospitals with all the syringes lying about. She ran until her side hurt and she was gasping for air before finally stumbling to a stop and dropping to her knees, crying in big ragged gasps for air.
When her tears finally slowed she wiped her eyes and looked around for some place open to ask directions. Light fingers caressed her hair and with a startled yell she whirled around to find a smiling old bag lady in her face, finger pointed inches away from Dawn's head.
"I know *you*." she grinned a near toothless grin.
Dawn tried not to cringe away. "N-no you don't."
She woman continued to smile her knowing smile. "Yes I do. You're nothing. Pretty nothing all locked up inside." The woman traced a finger in swirling patterns and then jumped back, repulsed. "Nothing." she clamped her hands over her ears and began to scream. "Nothing! Nothing! Nothingnothingnothingnothingnothing."
Dawn to to her feet. "Shut up!" she screamed. "Shut up. *You're* not real. *You're* nothing. And you can go to HELL!"
The woman grabbed Dawn's wrist. "Green energy, you can't hurt me. You're not even here." She flicked her fingers in Dawn's face. "Poof. Nothing's gone." she turned away and giggled to herself. "Nothing's gone."
Shaking, Dawn watched as the woman dissappeared around the corner of a building, still giggling.
Mind numb, Dawn picked her backpack off the ground and walked up the street aimlessly. The woman was right. Crazy, but right.
She was nothing. Everyone saw it. Perverted guys on the street saw it, women on buses, crazy people in Sunnydale and LA saw it... Buffy saw it. And somehow in the dark of her mind she'd always known it. Deep in those memories that weren't even real, Dawn had always felt it. Always felt like nothing.
She'd thought it was because Buffy was the golden child, the perfect little cheerleader/slayer... but maybe that wasn't it. Maybe deep down everyone instinctually knew she was nothing. Why else would she have no friends her own age? People don't want to be friends with nothing.
"Hey there, are you ok?"
Dawn looked up startled and jumped back. The voice belonged to a pretty blonde who had been walking the opposite way down the street.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, you just looked so lost. My name's Anne."
"I'm Dawn." Dawn looked at her suspiciously.
Anne smiled at her. "Well, Dawn, you look like you don't really want to talk about it and I won't pry, but if you want a good night's sleep, I run a shelter a few blocks from here and we've got a few beds open still if you need a place."
Dawn relaxed a little. "No thanks. I'm actually just going to see a friend. Do you know where the Hyperion Hotel is?"
Brow furrowed, Anne though for a moment. "I think so. It's about seven blocks or so west of here."
Dawn pointed. "That way?"
"Yeah, but wait. You can't go by yourself. I'll walk with you."
Dawn looked at her. "No thanks. I'll be fine. It's just a few blocks."
Anne looked doubtful. "Are you sure? It's no trouble and these streets are pretty dangerous."
"I'm sure. And don't worry," she said already walking away. "Nothing can hurt me."
She knocked on the door lightly but pushed her way inside without waiting for anyone to open up. "Hello? Angel? Are you here?" she looked around the darkened hotel. There were papers scattered all over the floor and what little of the floor that could be seen was filthy with mud tracks. "Is *anyone* here?" she stepped in further and set her backpack down.
"What do you want?"
Dawn whirled around and screamed. A dark figure stood at the top of the steps, his face in shadows.
"I'm l-looking for Angel. I, um, thought this was his office." She squinted into the darkness. "Angel?"
"Yeah, I'm Angel. What do you want." He repeated, this time with more irritation.
"It's me, Dawn. Buffy and I had a fight... It's kinda a long story. I just needed to get away and was wondering if maybe I could stay here for a little while?" she asked hopefully.
Angel slowly walked downstairs. "You're a friend of Buffy's?"
Dawn snorted. "No. Angel, it's Dawn."
"You said that already." His voice was cold.
"I'm Buffy's sister. Don't you remember me? Mom used to make Buffy take me on all your dates with her."
If such a thing was possible, Angel's face darkened more. "Buffy doesn't have a sister. What the hell kind of game are you trying to pull?" He stepped closer. "Are you from Wolfram & Hart?" He took another step toward her. "After all they've tried do to me do they think *this* will make me crazy?" He took another step. "Do they think I won't hurt a human? A child?" His face and voice had gone almost instantly from mildly irritated to frighteningly dark.
Dawn began to shake. "I'm n-n-not human. I probably won't even taste good."
Angel leaned forward and laughed in her ear and it sent shivers up her spine. "You're human enough for me, little girl." He jerked away and glared at her. "Killing you won't make me evil, you know. Darla and Drusilla couldn't. Now you think you can come in here with a pack of lies and expect me to fall for it?" Angel's face was inches from hers, with his tone of voice she expected his eyes to be wild and out of control but they were dark and eerily still. The patient calm of a madman.
By now Dawn had backed up against the counter and was panting hard, her heart beating loudly in her ears. "No. I mean, no one sent me. I j-just-"
He stepped forward and stuck his nose in her hair. "I can hurt you." he whispered, talking over her. "I hear your heart beating out your fear and I could make it stop, make it all stop. It's been so long since I've tasted human blood." He breathed in her scent. "Female. Virgin. Human blood." He grabbed her and she gave a shriek as his cold fingers wrapped around her arms. "I can't hurt Darla. Not yet. But I can hurt you. You're nothing to me."
She looked up at him, angry and defiant and tried to shove him away. "I'm nothing to anyone. I'm not real. I'm not here. So go ahead and bite me. Fucking kill me. See if the monks gave me a soul to lose." The pain welled up inside her but she was out of tears. "Go ahead, Angel. *Angelus.*" Her voice had raised several octives and she could feel her throat burn with the continued yelling. "I'm so glad you and Buffy aren't together anymore. She's with someone that makes her happy, someone who can love her *without* turning evil." She could feel Angel's grip tighten and she continued almost happily. "And Darla, huh? Is she back? Boy, what is it with you and ressurected blondes? Did you want a girlfriend so bad that you had to bring one back from the dead?"
"I didn't-"
"Shut up!" she screamed.
He glared and shook her roughly until she stopped shouting. "No. Stop talking about Buffy. And Darla. I didn't bring Darla back. I didn't turn her again, I tried-"
"Turn her again?" Dawn's eyes were wide, taking joy in inflicting pain instead of being on the receiving end. "You mean when she came back she was *human*? She could be on the beach in the sun drinking cocktalis with those little pink umbrellas right now? But she's not- she's a vampire- and you let her get turned?" Dawn couldn't help but laugh. "What hurts more, Angel? The fact that she was turned? Or the fact that it wasn't you who drank her blood??"
Angel shook her once and pushed her up against the counter. And all the anger at being helpless, nothing, looked over and lied to surged up as she raised her hand back and slapped him as hard as she could, bringing her nails across his face.
Blood trickled slowly down Angel's cheek and he grabbed Dawn by her hair, wiped at the blood and brought his fingers up to her face. "You want pain? You want blood?" He shoved his bloody fingers into her mouth and then pressed his hand to her lips, her saliva and his blood slowly making their way down her chin. "Swallow," he commanded. "You taste that, child? The coppery taste of life? That's what I crave. That's what I *need*. And if you don't get out right now, I'll take it from you."
He pulled his hand away and she spit the blood back in his face. "Go ahead and take it *Angelus*. If I am here to make you crazy or whatever, then prove me wrong. And if I am who I say I am then I bet mine and Buffy's blood taste a lot alike. So go ahead. Drink me, tell me if I taste human."
"Stop calling me Angelus." he warned, wiping the spit and blood off his face. "I'm not him."
She lifted her arms up and jerked the sleeve of her left arm back, revealing several fresh, deep cuts on her arm. "You're right. At least Angelus didn't delude himself. You're living in denial if you think anything you've done makes up for the monster that you are. Everything you've done to atone is for nothing. You killed Darla, she came back. You've killed other vampires but you made ones too. You've saved lives but you've taken lives. It's all been for nothing." The hate in her eyes burned like fire as she spoke. "You're a thing. You're not human and you'll never be human no matter how hard you try." She raised her arm up inches away from his mouth. "'You want pain? You want blood?'" she echoed. "That's what you crave, isn't it? Not just the blood, but the pain. All your years as Angelus you inflicted it on others and back in Sunnydale you inflicted it on yourself. But what do you do with the need now?"
His face slipped into vampire form and he tightened his grip on her hair and brought her closer. "I'll show you."
"No you won't." said a voice behind Angel.
Angel turned around and Dawn craned her head around his shoulders to see Wesley, Cordelia, and Gunn standing with weapons raised and horrified faces.
Angel looked back a Dawn and released his grip. She sank to the floor, stunned.
"Now why don't you get the hell out of here?" asked Gunn.
Angel glanced over at Dawn and Wesley followed his gaze. "I don't think that would be wise," he said anticipating Angel's thoughts.
Angel didn't bother with explainations or excuses but stared at them coldly one by one until his eyes rested on Dawn again. And slowly, wordlessly he obliged, making his way out the back door and into the sewers.
As soon as he'd left Cordelia rushed over to Dawn. "Are you ok? Did he hurt you?"
"No," she said on the verge of tears.
Cordelia put a hand on her shoulder. "It'll be ok. He's gone now. He won't hurt you, we won't let him."
Dawn threw Cordelia's hand off and jumped to her feet. "Why did you have to stop him? Why?"
Cordelia got to her feet, incredulous. "What are you talking about? We just saved your life."
"No you didn't. There's no life to save. He was... he was going to taste my blood..." she said quietly, almost to herself.
"Um, yeah," said Cordelia, irritated. "That's what vampires do. They kill humans by drinking their blood."
There were tears in Dawn's eyes and her shoulders began to shake with sobs. "But I'm not human. I'm fake, not real. I was created by a bunch of monks. I'm just energy, a key to fit in a lock..." she was rambling, trying to explain in a few short words the urgency of her situation. "And if Angel drank me, drank my blood, then I'd know- I'd know... just how human I am," she said at last, only just then understanding the need she had felt to be bitten.
"Whoa," Cordelia tried to follow what was going on. "This is a little over my head right now. Why don't we sit down and you explain everything?" she touched Dawn's arm to guide her to a chair but Dawn jerked away.
"Don't touch me," she screamed. "Stop treating me like you care, like you know who I am. You don't." She pointed at Cordelia. "I remember when your hair was long and you used to go out with Xander. He said you kissed with too much tongue and you said he danced like John Travolta in those disco movies." Before Cordelia could form words Dawn swung around to Wesley. "And I remember when you used to wear nice suits and Buffy didn't like you. But you, neither of you know me. Because I'm not real. The monks that made me, gave me and everyone in Sunnydale false memories but they didn't with you. To you I'm not Buffy's sister, I'm just a girl. So don't tell me to sit down, or calm down or any of that. I'm tired of being treated like a stranger," she shook her head. "But I *don't* know you. I know memories of you. And I'm just..." She looked from Cordelia to Wesley and back again. "I'm just so confused and..." she took a ragged breath. "And I don't know what to think anymore."
Wesley took a tentative step toward her. "I won't pretend to know what's going on, I don't know anything about your situtation but if what you say is true and you're Buffy's sister now, I'd like to call her. Perhaps she can explain things."
Cordelia looked at Dawn. "I'm sure she'd worried about you."
Dawn scowled and wiped her eyes. "She doesn't care, she's not really my sister. She lied to me. When she found out *what* I was she didn't even tell me. She just let me go on thinking I was normal."
"I think lying to you was the most sisterly thing she could've done." spoke up Gunn with a shrug.
Dawn turned her glare on Gunn. "How would you know?"
Gunn's voice hardened and he glared back. "Because I had a little sister. I loved her more than anything and if I found out she wasn't really my sister- that all our memories were fake or something..." he shook his head resolutely. "There's no way I'd tell her. Why would I want to hurt her like that?"
"Let's at least call her," urged Wesley. "Perhaps you can sit down and talk about things."
"I don't- Not here." she looked at where Angel had dissappeared to. "If she knew what I tried to do tonight..."
Cordelia nodded and elbowed Wesley into agreement. "We can go back to our office and call her. We won't even mention Angel- it's not like we do anyway." Cordelia held out her hand and after a moment's hesitation Dawn took it and they walked to the front doors.
"Y-you have an office?" Dawn asked. "What do you do now that you don't work for Angel?"
Gunn shrugged. "We help the helpless."