Eighteen by Amy
It's my eighteenth birthday and two months ago, nearly everyone I love died.
Xander and I barely got out of Sunnydale-- we were on the outskirts as we watched it explode and burn. It burned for nearly two weeks, the reports say, although by the time the fires were out, we weren't anywhere near there.
It's funny, in an unfunny sort of way... I always thought that if anyone would live on after saving my life, if someone would be there to take care of me, it would be Buffy. I thought it would be my sister pulling me by the arm, screaming hysterically for me to follow, even lifting me up and continuing to run when my legs went out. Maybe Spike. But I never pictured Xander.
I should have, though. He was great at it.
The sky fell down, you see. A sky made of flames, a sky from Hell. I keep thinking that somehow it was me, because the last time the door between dimensions was opened, it was because of my blood. Xander keeps assuring me that it wasn't. It was the demons, it was in the prophesies and he says that Buffy wouldn't want me to think about it.
I can't help it, though.
There was no time, that much I know. One day Giles was trying to translate some gibberish from a yellow, brittle sheet of paper and the next day we were in the middle of the fight. Demons sprang out from nowhere, I suppose just to make it harder for the humans to escape, because they died too. It was hot, hotter than the middle of summer during a heat wave and I didn't realize at the time that that was because there was fire burning everything around us. The buildings, the plants... The people.
I still remember that stench of sizzling flesh, and the sound of people shouting, pleading for the pain to stop. It rings in my ears, night after night, until I wake up shaking as Xander holds me, brushing away my tears, kissing my eyelids and curling himself around me.
We hardly talk about it, though. We've seen too much now. It sort of seems like all that time Buffy spent protecting my sight from the creatures that go bump in the night was wasted because I've looked at things that could tear up anyone's soul forever.
They sure as hell have torn up mine.
My name was the last thing she said, you know.
Most of them were dead already; Giles was lying with a broken neck not twenty feet away and Anya spread next to him, her neck slashed so badly that it almost seemed like her head was severed. Willow and Tara were crushed under the weight of a building as it burned and toppled. Spike burned to death. Unable to put out the fires that caught onto his clothing, he disappeared into a swirl of dust and ashes.
Angel had been shoved into a tree with a broken branch protruding, staking him on the spot. Neither of us saw what happened to Cordelia, but I heard her screaming Wesley's name, and I remember the moment she stopped screaming, that awful, abrupt silence, so I can only assume they were both killed as well.
I think sometimes that we shouldn't have called them... We barely had time with how quickly they died, it seemed pointless for them to be there anyway. God, that sounds horrible, like I don't appreciate what they did, but that's the way it is I guess.
But Buffy... I was fighting off something with orange skin and seven arms and saw her across the road, kicking the shit out of some scaly, slimy thing and she looked up. Locked eyes with me.
Xander had just finished off killing a demon and he was right beside me, although I don't remember how he got there. And Buffy screamed, "Xander! Take her out of here! Run, Dawn!"
In that moment where she wasn't concentrating, those two seconds it took her to yell out instructions, the demon tripped her and stomped on her throat before she could get back up. I don't remember what happened next, how we started running, just that we were. Xander's hand was slick with blood and sweat but he held on to mine so tight that it hurt.
We ran and ran and ran, terrified, knowing that if Buffy was dead, there wasn't anything else we could do except escape. After what seemed like miles my legs crumpled and without taking a moment to pause, Xander just swooped down and lifted me into his arms, like we were newlyweds and he was carrying me over the threshold.
He didn't break stride.
And then we watched the town burn.
That night... That awful night.
We didn't say anything as we trudged along the side of the road. He didn't let go of my hand, either, and I didn't want him to even though his grip was rough. We looked like the disaster victims we were, covered in grime and soot and blood. My hair was soaked with blood, sticky and wet.
We finally hitched a ride and sat in the back of a truck silently as we made our way to Stockton with the driver. After a while we made stock of our holdings and figured out that, with the cash in Xander's wallet and his credit cards, we would be okay for a little while.
That sounds weird.... We would be okay.
The driver dropped us off at a little hotel and Xander checked us in as Mr. and Mrs. Harris and he shuddered a little when the receptionist called us just that. Thinking of Anya, I suppose. The receptionist tried to keep us at the desk a little longer than necessary, no doubt wondering why we looked the way we looked, so Xander explained that our home had burned down and left us with nothing.
It wasn't so far from the truth, if you think about it.
Xander and I showered together when we got to the room. Modesty seemed frivolous and stupid by that point, and we just wanted to clean off the day, and the memories of the day. We lathered each other up and rinsed out each other's hair and the water turned dark pink as it hit the shower floor.
I had never seen a naked man before then, unless you count looking at copies of Playgirl when I was thirteen, but... It was strange because it wasn't strange at all.
As I cleaned the back of his neck, he suddenly wrenched away from me and out of the shower stall, kneeling over the toilet as he threw up. I stepped out with him, plucked up some towels to dry the now-splashy floor and ourselves and wrapped myself around him. He threw up for so long, I started to get worried, and even after there was nothing in his stomach, his stomach continued heaving.
I just whispered in his ear and kissed his cheek and held him and said...
I said thank you.
I don't know why I said that. I mean, he did save my life, but some days I wish I had died along with the rest of them. I think maybe he just needed to hear that even though everything was so horrible, he had done something good, the one thing he could have done.
I was calm as I talked to him and it scared me a little because everything seemed so distant and faraway and unreal. Although, seriously, if everyone you loved had been killed by demons and had been burned to ashes by a fire that swallowed your whole town... You might have felt that it was unreal, too.
When his stomach finally settled, he turned his face to me and nestled his cheek against my breast as he hugged my waist so tight it threatened to cut off my air supply.
I just rubbed his damp hair and kissed him over and over until he kissed me back, until he wasn't just feeling pain.
I didn't plan it, ironically enough. I'd spent my whole existence being in love with Xander and would trade everything that's happened between us just to see my sister smile at me one more time.
He took my virginity that night and I gave it to him gladly, if for no other reason than to just not think for a single minute about the past twenty-four hours. It was good; it didn't hurt like I expected and he made it nice for me, managing not to say Anya's name, even though I could see it on the tip of his tongue the whole time.
When it was over, he touched my cheek and cuddled me into him and asked, "Are you okay, Dawnie?"
It felt strange, after having been so bizarrely close to him through sex, to hear him say my name like that. Dawnie.
That was when I realized that my face was wet, and had been the whole time we were making love. That was when I realized I'd been crying. And when it came to me, when I felt the tears with one shocked finger, I suddenly couldn't turn them off. Like Xander throwing up, it was reflexive, and necessary to last through the next minute. I wept until my tear ducts were dry and even after I could hear my broken sobs echoing through the room.
When I was silent, Xander dried my face and kissed me and we made love again.
I always dreamed that if I ever slept with Xander, it would be something that we couldn't deny out of passion and lust and all sorts of wonderful emotions. I never really expected it to happen, but when it did it was for none of those reasons. It was just comfort. He knew it and I knew it.
It wasn't emotionless, that's not what I'm saying. And there was love there. Maybe not the kind I'd always dreamed about, but love nonetheless. But, most of all, I think it was the simple need to be connected to something after the day we'd just shared. We were the only two people on earth who could ever understand what had happened and so we were the only two people on earth that we could share our pain with.
You always figure that, when your world changes, it'll be because of something wonderful like getting married or having baby. Maybe you think it'll be something awful, like getting a divorce or something, but...
You don't actually expect your world to change forever, I don't think.
But mine has.
We wasted no time finding jobs and a place to stay. Stockton seemed safe enough, except for maybe the crime. ...But no demons like the ones we left behind. The occasional vampire, I'm sure, although I never saw them. Just safe enough to rest there a while.
Xander found us a little one-bedroom apartment and I got a job waitressing. He picked up another job at a construction site pretty easily, even though there was no one left in his hometown to give him references. It was weird how comfortably we settled into our new life.
We didn't talk that much those first few weeks. Adjusting, I guess. He would kiss me goodbye when he went out every morning after eating something I cooked. I'm not a good cook and don't profess to be, so I always kissed him extra long when he ate my food, because it just went to show how much he cared, and how much he was willing to sacrifice for me.
And we made love every night.
It became a routine. After eating dinner-- something that *he* usually cooked-- and watching television on this eighteen inch TV we picked up at a garage sale (we decided not to get anything really unnecessary until we had a slightly larger bank account.), we would go to bed and undress each other.
The first few times after that first night, it seemed awkward. I mean, it was nice and all, but it seemed fumbling, like we were constantly asking ourselves if it was right or even okay to be doing that, and with each other no less... And I'm sure we were asking ourselves that. But finally we let go of the guilt and the nervousness, because being close like that-- it was something we needed. To feel closeness at all is special, but we needed it more than ever because we were all we had.
It sounds like I'm making excuses. Maybe I still am, a little. Maybe I'm still adjusting.
Waiting tables wasn't a bad job for me, except that I quickly got a reputation with the other workers as being a snob because I didn't talk that much to anyone. But then one day Xander picked me up from work and kissed me hello and from then on, people were much nicer. Everyone loves a lover, I guess. They probably assumed I didn't have time for them because I was spending all my energy on him.
That's right in a lot of ways.
But also, for obvious reasons, I didn't want to get close to anyone else. Because how could I ever explain that I had lost my sister and all of my friends in a fire that ate our entire town? That I was one of only two survivors that I knew of?
I'm sure I could have said that part, actually. It's the other parts, the demon parts, that I would have to leave out and if I ever did tell the story to anyone, I *couldn't* leave those parts out, because that would mean not saying anything about how brave my sister was, how she died in a fight to save me and the world, how all of our friends did the same.
It's wrong of me, I know, but I resent them, the people I work with, and everyone else on this stupid planet, because they can't know what we went through. Just to live a life I'm still not certain is worth living anymore. I hate them for their innocence and blind faith that monsters are only real in fairytale stories. I'm disgusted with every single person who laughs with real pleasure, because I have such a hard time doing that anymore.
Xander makes me laugh, when he can, and I try to do the same. But there's always a sad sound in our laugher, a strained sense in our smiles. Our jokes don't really fall flat, but we don't receive laughter the way we used to.
I wonder if either of us will ever really laugh again.
We're getting married. Xander thinks it's sensible; if we're going to live as man and wife, we might as well be man and wife, and it'll help with insurance he says.
It didn't happen like I thought it would... I seem to say that a lot. Of course, nothing really happened like I thought it would. I was a child when I had those dreams and now I'm not. Now I'm not even sure if I can have dreams anymore.
We were eating dinner and Xander suddenly quietly pulled a small black box from his pants pocket and set it on the table, pushing it over to me. I was a moron-- I didn't even think it could be a ring. I thought maybe earrings or something pretty just because he was thinking of me when he saw them... But that doesn't matter now. When I opened the box, it was an engagement ring.
The diamond was small, barely more than a chip, but it sparkled pretty brightly and I tried to bite back a gasp. I'll never forget what I said, if only because now it seems like the perfectly wrong thing to say: "Oh, Xander, really?"
He paused, with his fork halfway to his mouth and then set it down, looking at me. "I think we should get married, legally. It's not that big a step forward-- we already live together and share the household finances. But my job at the site becomes permanent next week and I'll be covered by insurance, so I think you should be to. The benefits are really good."
I didn't say anything, but I could feel my face fall, feel my blush start, and I looked down at the ring, quietly slipping it on my finger as I thought how stupid it was of me to think that he *wanted* to marry me. After all, his wife of two years had been dead for barely a month.
He must have sensed something, because he leaned across the table and took my hand, looking at it for a moment with a smile. "It'll be good, Dawn. I promise we'll be as happy as... As we can be."
"As anyone in a marriage of convenience can be," I murmured, and regretted it when his face tightened.
"Is that what you think?"
I tried to be logical. "Xander, Anya's been dead for just a month and you loved her more than... Pretty much more than anything. That's okay with me; I understand loving someone like that." I couldn't look at him when I said that last part. "But what else could it be? You're not in love with me, you're still in love with her and when you bring it up it's because of the insurance. Don't be mad.... It just... Is what it is."
He didn't avoid the subject like I thought he would; he was surprisingly straightforward and for the first time since it happened, he said her name. "I think about Anya every day. And Willow and Buffy and Giles. When I took your hand that... that night... I was making a promise, I was taking you for life."
I smirked and felt a surprising spark of anger. "Sweet of you," I said sarcastically.
"What do you want me to say, Dawn?" he suddenly shouted, slamming his fist against the table. "Do you want me to say that I'm in love with you before I am? Do you want me to lie? The night this all happened, the night my *wife* died, I had sex with you. Do you think that's easy for me to think about, betraying her memory like that? And now we live together and we go to our jobs and we don't really talk about what happened in Sunnydale and it tears me up." He was shaking, he was so upset. "But I can't be with anyone else. If I *can* fall in love again, it can only be with you, because no one else in this world can understand me like you can. Don't you get it?"
I was crying by then, silently, but the tears were there, rolling down my cheeks. I'd known that he'd felt guilty about being with me so soon after Anya died, and I'd felt guilty too, but to hear him say it hurt, even though I should've understood.
He noticed my tears then and sighed, coming over and kneeling at my side. "I'm not in love you with now, Dawn, but I do love you more than anything else in the world. You're all I have. The rest can come in time."
He touched me and I automatically recoiled for a split second, still too busy nursing my own wounds to pay attention to what he was saying. Then the words sank it and I melted against him and he kissed me and it was all fine again.
But not really.
That was the first time he said my name while making love. It hurt a little, to hear it, but in a good way. He just leaned down and kissed me and whispered, "Dawn." And I smiled as he increased the rhythm and slid my arms around his neck to pull his face back down to mine so I could kiss him again.
It was wonderful. And it was scary, like everything else in this new world of ours was.
Of course, there were other obstacles. There always would be.
About a week after Xander and I got engaged, he began coming home at night with a haunted look on his face, saying less and less the more I probed him to find out why he was upset. He was never mean, of course he wasn't, but his answers became clipped and he was increasingly silent when we ate or watched television.
Finally one night it became too much for me and I blew up at him.
"Xander, what the hell is going on?!" I meant other than the obvious, which he knew, but still he didn't answer so I blurted out the first thing in my head. "You'd better tell me or... Or I won't marry you."
His smile quirked, but it seemed almost angry. "Not funny, Dawn."
"I'm serious. I won't," I said petulantly.
He stood off the couch, rage coming off him in waves; he was trembling with it. I could never in my whole life remember being frightened by him, but in that moment I was. He stalked over to me and I backed into the wall, unsure of what he intended. He forced his body against mine and roughly grabbed the back of my neck.
I squeezed my eyes shut, terrified by that point that I had driven him to do something horrible and his voice grated, "Look at me."
I shook my head a little in refusal and he gripped my chin, forcing me to face him fully and then I did open my eyes.
His face was hostile, furious. "You will *never* joke about something like that again. You will never use that against me in a fight again. Do you understand? You're marrying me."
"O-okay," I stuttered out, blinking back stinging tears.
Then his mouth was on mine and it was rough and painful but I moaned with relief as his teeth rubbed abrasively against my lips. Our tongues clashed and then he seemed to understand for the first time that he was hurting me so he gentled the kiss, adding his body to it, rubbing against me slowly, seductively. His thigh forced its way between my legs and I realized with a jolt that I was wet and ready for him. I climbed him trying to get his erection to the spot I wanted and even though we were both still fully clothed, what we were doing seemed different somehow... It seemed like...
More.
We made love against the wall that night, and Xander let go of his anger and frustrations inside me. It was better than it had been in some ways, because I could feel that all of him was there with me, focused on me... Just on me.
When we'd finished we went to bed and, lying under the covers with him, I asked him, "Will you tell me what's going on now?" I touched his chest lightly.
He took my hand and kissed my fingertips. "Now I will." With a sigh he let go and rolled onto his side to face me. "This week was... Two days ago..."
"Was what?" I asked blankly, although I really should have known.
"It was our anniversary," he said roughly and I bit my lip.
It came back to me in a blast; I was a bridesmaid even though I hated that day. Anya made me wear something foam green with frills covering the skirt and I'd had to watch as Xander swore to love her until death parted them
The sudden resentment made me angry at myself-- she had been his wife. He loved her, would always love her. Tears made his eyes glitter in the darkness.
A moan tried to force its way from my throat but I swallowed it back. "I never said... I never said that I'm sorry."
"I never said it either."
I felt like I was searching, forever searching for the right thing to say or do, the one thing that would make it less hard on him. I realized that we were lying naked together and the guilt wrapped around me again like no time had passed. I was completely lost, hurting almost as much as he had to have been and so I just kissed his bare shoulder.
"I know you loved her," I finally whispered. "I know how hard it is."
"Only you could." He looked at me again then, and I saw something like pain or fear in his gaze. "Never ever joke about not being with me. Not ever again. I could have killed you tonight when you said that, Dawn."
"I remember," I said, and to my amazement it almost sounded like a joke.
He nodded, touching his forehead to mine. "I'm sorry if I hurt you."
Warmth flooded my face and, because I was too embarrassed to say what I was thinking, I said, "I understand it now."
He studied me, and then smiled. "You liked it?"
"I... I..." My face grew warmer, grew hot, and I knew I was blushing fiercely. "Not the first part. But, later..."
"I forget that you haven't..." he trailed off, nuzzling my neck.
"I forget it sometimes, too," I said wryly, and then sobered when I realized that he must have led the conversation this way because it was hurting him to talk about her. I didn't want to hurt him, but I continued, "It's all right to grieve for her, Xander. I grieve for all of them. In the mornings, before I'm really awake, I sometimes think that Buffy's sleeping just down the hall from me. It's hard. It's awful and horrible and it was something that none of them should have had to go through-- that *we* shouldn't have had to go through, but we did. And we're what's left of them. So it's okay to think of her."
He exhaled heavily and looked at me, respect and something else, a sudden sadness in his eyes. "When did you become so mature, Dawn?"
He shouldn't have asked that question, because he already knew. But then, there had been a lot of things I shouldn't have asked or said but did anyway. Still, instead of answering, I rolled onto my stomach and turned my face away to hide my tears.
His hand settled on the small of my back and he made gentle, circular motions with it, almost as if in penance, understanding immediately why I couldn't speak. He leaned over and kissed the nape of my neck and continued to rub my back until I fell asleep.
The world is falling apart.
Neither Xander or I expected this. Fires keep popping up, burning towns to the ground and more and more demon sightings have occurred. Xander told me that if we only had Giles, he'd figure it out. But as soon as that sentence left his mouth, his eyes darkened and he took my hand.
But it was started, the second Sunnydale was ashes. It started before that, really, before there was a single fire in sight. And we don't know what's causing it but it's clear that fairly soon, there will be no civilization anymore.
He told me that we need to keep moving. We can't get settled in one place for too long. He's thinking of the Midwest next, someplace like Iowa with a lot of space, but I don't know. I'll follow him wherever, that's a given, but...
It's my eighteenth birthday today.
We're sitting in the courthouse, waiting for our turn to be married by the justice of the peace. I pushed for Vegas, but Xander just laughed-- still that laugh has a tinge of sadness underneath-- and touched my cheek and said we should do it as quickly and simply as possible.
So as we wait, I think of things I shouldn't be thinking about. Things you should never think about on your wedding day.
I think about that night, where the sky was orange with flames and the screaming was all around us. I think about the fear in Xander's eyes whenever we watch the news and see another "unexplainable" fire cropping up. I don't know what the future holds, and I'm terrified.
For Xander, for myself...
And for the baby inside me.
I just realized it this morning. I must be about two months along, which would make sense. It probably happened that very night, in the midst of our grief and pain and need for one another. I place my hand against my still-flat stomach and imagine that I can already feel the baby moving around, although it really isn't possible.
And I love this baby. I'd do anything to protect it. Common sense tells me that I shouldn't have it at all, but my love for it makes the very thought of... Getting rid of it... impossible. I know that Xander will protect it until the day he dies, but that's what I'm afraid of.
There are things coming.
We don't know what, and we don't know how to stop them... Even if it were possible, we wouldn't know how. Neither of us knows how much longer the world will go on as it has been, how much longer people will walk around with blinders on. ...How much longer people will even walk around.
I'm eighteen and I'm getting married and I'm having a child. The thought makes me want to shrink inside myself, even as I know I will do anything to live now... I hate myself for ever wanting to die, because now all I can think of is surviving for Xander and our baby.
Our number is called and we stand. I smooth the skirt of my white dress and smile nervously at Xander and he leans over and kisses me sweetly.
"Ready, Dawn?"
My heart skips with fright. Ready for what? I remember those days a long time ago when we were cursed with song and I remember once singing 'Where do we go from here?'
The question never seemed more appropriate than now.
Still, he waits for my reply. So, with no small amount of fear, I speak, my eyes locking on his for support.
"As ready as I'll ever be."